Nem a ruhat eszi az embert

Sweetbox - Trying to be me

 Today's title is in Hungarian, because it's something I just can't translate into English. It would lose a lot from its meaning. So I just left it in Hungarian

Today I realized how much clothes express someone's personality. Of course I've always known it in a way, but I've never thought it's that serious. I have clothes I liked when I bought them, even when I tried them on at home, but when I have to wear them a day long, I just realize, it's no good. Somehow that clothes aren't me.

Lately I wear skirts more often. And for example I love my jeans skirt, that skirt is me, especially if I wear it with leggings. But today I wear a bit longer, green skirt for the first time. I thought it's a nice skirt and fits me, when I tried it on at home, but somehow I felt something bad when I wore it at school all day long and I couldn't wait to take it off as soon as possible. It was my first thing to do when I arrived at home to change it. I don't know what the problem is though. I still think it's a good skirt, but it's just not me. Simply not me.

Sometimes the same thing happens with me with blouses, shoes and such. That's the thing why my mother argue with me and I just can't tell her what my problem is. Since I was the one who said they'll be good and then just refuse wearing them. I just can't explain. Difficult, right?

Anyway, last day I wrote a test of Roman law. It could have been better, but didn't succeed that bad either, I think. I will learn the results next week. I'm a bit worried about it, but I don't want to think about it until next Wednesday. And I went to row again. It was good. I still need to learn and practice it a lot, but somehow I enjoyed it, even though it was hard. Anyway, I think everyone should try it. It's really cool. Hard, but cool.

This is me breaking up with you

I just feel like showing my top 20 sad break-up songs. Maybe it's not my real chart, just the first 20 songs which came into my mind at first. So here they are:
20. Breaking Benjamin - Breath

19.  Pixie Lott - Broken arrow

18. Tatu - Doschitai do sta

17. Alexandra Burke - The silence

16. Evanescence - Missing

15.  The pretty reckless - Just tonight

14. Britney Spears - Everytime

13. Rihanna - Cry

12. Eric Saade - Masquerade

11. Hamasaki Ayumi - Is it love?

10. Taylor Swift - Haunted

9. Sweetbox - Echo

8. C.N Blue - I'm a loner

7. Avril Lavigne - Wish you were here

6. Kesha - The Harold song

5. Zanzibar - Üvegszilánkokkal az ágyban

4. Garbage - Cup of coffee

3. Sweetbox - Girl from Tokyo

2. Arashi - Kimi wa sukoshi mo warukunai

1. Kelly Clarkson - Behind these hazel eyes

Where is my place?

I just find this song pretty true. Yes, recently I'm quite a feminist I think. Though I have no problem with them, until I treat them just as friends. But no romance, please.

My family says I'm like a kindergardener, little child if it comes to romantic relationships. They say, that boy from law class likes me, as a girl I mean. But I don't think so, I think he is just lonely, doesn't know too many people in this new school and maybe he finds me nice. I also think he is nice, but just as I friend. My family knows nothing. Just because he likes talking to me sometimes, that doesn't mean anything, right? Actually, I just don't want to believe it. Because if I did, I couldn't spend time together with him anymore. So I just ignore the fact, I just refuse to believe it and everything is alright. That's all.

By the way, today I don't feel like to do anything. My mood is a bit depressed I guess. Nothing seems to make sense. However, rowing yesterday was nice. Hard, but nice. I have to learn it properly for sure, though. Now I should study Roman law, but I don't feel like. Maybe a bit later. Because I must not fail in any test. Not from that subject. I don't know if it really matters though. At the moment nothing really matters. I hate this mood. The only thing that bothers me, that my bed isn't too convenient. So even sleeping isn't too good. But I will survive it somehow. Hopefully

Life is hardだけどhappy?

Tarja Turunen - I walk alone

I'm disgusted by boys. Really. That's what I realized at the last party. When that guy tried to kiss me, but ended up licking my cheeks, all I could think about is "it's similar to what my dog does, but he is more disgusting". And any guy, who seems handsome or at least okay for me, when they come closer, all I start thinking about is when he will leave... I wonder what's wrong with me... maybe it's really better for me to be alone....

By the way, I went to row today. I couldn't go to the river, because I storm came, but the ergometer was good. Now I'm tired like hell, but feel good and calm in a way. Nice feeling. I want to go again. Though I'm still scared how I will manage to row when I will go to the river and really have to row. I've never done it before. I hope I won't be too bad at it.

And I found a good part in my book again, so at the end of my post, let me share with you it. I found it really true again so I don't want to comment it. Just read:

"-Érted? - kérdezi, miközben a műanyag csomagolással bajlódik.
- Mindent. - Nemcsak úgy mondom. Tényleg értem. Eljött az életében az a pillanat.
A pillanat nem az idő egy szelete, hanem egy kérdés. Felismerés. Megrázkódtatás. A pillanat akkor jön el, amikor felnézel, és meglátod, hogyan nyúlik el az életed a további hetven évre. És közvetlenül előtted ott tornyosul, mint egy hatalmas útakadály, a kérdés: "Elég jó nekem ez az élet a következő hetven évre?" De lehet, hogy ezt könnyű megválaszolni. A következő, logikusan adódó kérdés - tudok így élni? - az igazán halálos. Mert nem az eldöntendő kérdések fajtájába tartozik, hanem a "csináld, különben meghalsz" kategóriájába.
Én kerülöm ezeket a pillanatokat."

When will it be me?

Avril Lavigne - The best damn thing

Today was a very very sober day and it was right. Now I officially swear that I will NEVER drink any alcohol on Tuesday in this semester. No, I know it's Wednesday. But today I have Roman law class with the strictest teacher of mine. And it would be bad if I were worn out because of partying and I have to write a test or something. Or even just think. Basically, he is strict, but he is my favourite teacher. So I have to show him that I still can do study in a high level. Actually he made me take up law as a second majority. I decided it last year when I studied for the exam of his subject and when he gave me a five (the best mark) on the exam. That was the time I made up my mind. And surprisingly he remembers me. At least he knows that I already passed a course that he taught. It seems his legendary good memory is real. Anyway, I mustn't dissapoint him or myself. I have to study Roman law hard. Really hard. No matter, what it takes.

I respects him a lot. Not like those bastard, egoist idiots, disguised as handsome, long-haired guys. Just look right through me and hardly say even hi to me. But if I complained about it, he surely wouldn't understand my problem. Fuck off! Just like a second Edel... but I won't make the same mistake again. No way! Damned Gyapjaska! Damned Edelka! I hate dickheads like you all! Go to hell!

Otherwise, I always say, I'm fine alone and such and I like to believe that, but somewhere deep inside I often wonder why I nearly never liked by any guy? Why does no one ever see me? Am I really that insignificant? I don't think I would be such an ugly brat or anything... I wonder why... It's a bit annoying though. Why my roommates, my friends are often asked out by different guys and why I'm not? Anyway, I really think there is no problem with me. But why than? Maybe it's okay this way after all. I don't need any guy! But why it can be...?

Going under

Garbage - Cup of coffee

Yesterday was hard. Really. I nearly hit my record in drinking alcohol. I enjoyed myself a lot, but today morning I didn't find it such a good idea, how I thought it was at night. I mustn't make it regular. My stomach hurt like hell, I couldn't eat at all, I was thirsty all day long and the tobbacoo's taste was still in my mouth and I hate it. (Basically I'm not a smoker and I hate the smell of it, but when I drink I need some and last night I smoked really a lot. Too much actually. Disgusting.)

But all I want is not to think and getting drunk is the best way for it I think. Silly, silly me. Actually I just want to forget someone I cannot. (I won't tell his name, but I think everyone can guess his identity from my previous posts.) If I'm drunk, nothing hurts. But it's no good at all. Throwing away my shyness and party with people I don't know too much is nice, but for this reason... In the morning I just lyed in my bed and cursed his name. But it's me after all who pushes myself into this situation. Forget, forget. That's what I need to do. But it's so hard.

Plus, I can't decide if it was a good idea, to move into my classmates flat. I don't trust her, not at all, because I don't know if she really thinks I am an idiot and make fun out of me behind my back. I cannot know what she hides behind her kindness... But she often goes to party and brings me along if I want. I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing in my situation though...

And now here comes today's paragraph from the book I talked about before:

"Az önállóság, vagyis a különállóság csak akkor működik, ha tükörsima vízen vitorlázol. Mert ha vihar kerekedik, nem vonhatod be a vitorlákat és nem állhatsz a kormánynál egyszerre. Szükséged van valakire.(...) Valaki, aki fogta a kormányt, míg én behúztam a vitorlákat és felmértem a károkat. Az a gond, hogy ha egyszer már átvette valaki a kormányt, akkor megszokod, hogy társsal dolgozol. És amikor lecsap a következő vihar, és egyedül vagy, még tehetetlenebbnek, még magányosabbnak érzed magad.
Magányosnak.
Akár be is vallhatom."

Back here

It's been a long time since I posted anything. And it's because I didn't really have anything to write about (I could only just repeat myself) and anyway, I had better things to do somehow. But maybe now that school begins again, I will write here more frequently. Maybe. What I expect from this schoolyear? It will be tough. I want to study welll, I want to take up rowing (at least try it) and I want to go out more recently than last year (and drink a lot. Of course I'm not longing for orange juice (or maybe orange juice is also okay, but with vodka)=P). I don't know if I will have enough time for each things though.

Anyway, today I just want to share a quotiation from a book I started to read today. Its title is Coffee & kung-fu by Karen Brichoux. I found some paragraphs which is so so true I can't help, but share with everyone I can. So here it is (this time in Hungarian, because I found the translation very good):

"...Jelen pillanatban nem annyira fontos, hogy összejöjjek valakivel.
Ez természetesen szemenszedett hazugság. Mindenkinek mindig fontos, hogy összejöjjön valakivel. Persze szeretünk úgy tenni, mintha nem nagyon keresnénk, de attól még ugyanúgy keresünk. Ránk is érvényesek az evolúció törvényei. És az evolúció általában olyan állatokat produkál, amelyeknek a fajfenntartás elsődleges céljuk. Hát igen, mindannyian keresünk. Csak az a kérdés, hogy a keresésnek muszáj-e abba a felfordulásba torkollnia, ami azzal jár, hogy megpróbálsz együtt lenni és jól kijönni életed hátralévő részében egy másik emberi lénnyel..."

"-Senki sem igazán boldog, aki egyedül van.
- Miért nem?
- Hogy lehetnél az, ha nincs kihez szólnod? Ha nincs, akivel megoszd az életed?
Mintha ezt bárkivel megtehetnéd, aki él. Észrevettem valamit: Azt hiszem, egy csomó ember úgy gondolja, hogyha valakivel közösek a hobbijai, akkor az a valaki már arra is jó, hogy megossza vele az életét. Az ebédlőben a többi nő szeret lelki társakról beszélgetni - én viszont kétlem, hogy tudják, mi a különbség a lelki társ és a hálótársi lét korai szakaszai között. Ez utóbbi az az időszak, amikor nincs szükséged alvásra, evésre, csak a szerelemből élsz. Körülbelül két hétig tart. Ha szerencsés vagy, két hónapig.Onnét kezdve minden téren lejtmenet jön. A pasi, aki "a nagy Ő" volt, most már "az a kretén állat, aki lefeküdt a legjobb barátnőmmel". De hát valószínűleg mindketten szerettetek hegyibiciklizni..."

It's not a big philosophical novel, but I think these thoughts are brilliant. At least for me. Maybe later I will post other paragraphs here as well if I find interesting thoughts like these.